I am new. What does this mean? I am a new person. This is a new life. The me I was on June 3, 2018 died with my son. Much like someone who is injured, I have had to learn to live again. I have had to reteach myself how to process things, how to exist without a part of me here. It has also made me a more compassionate person. It really has shined light on the saying "you never know what someone is going through". I remember I used to panic if someone asked me if I had children. Four years later I proudly smile and let everyone know I have three beautiful children.
I no longer feel ashamed or cowardly to reveal that I have experienced great loss. I used to not want to make someone else feel awkward. I used to not want to drop that "atomic bomb" on someone and ruin their day. What I have realized is by being more open and forthcoming I have become more compassionate. People are much more likely to also let their walls down to me. I have gained the most incredible friends and also educated so many people on child loss over the years.
Let yourself grieve your old self. Gosh, do I miss her. I miss her innocence. I miss her care-free spirit. I miss her ability to be with Bennett. I miss her freedom. I miss her to my core sometimes. I look at pictures of her and think wow she looks happy. She looks content. It is okay to miss your old self. It is also okay to accept your new self. I did not want to be new. I did not want this life and this grief. I did not ask for this. I did not want this or deserve this. But I am stuck with it. This is me. I am new and I can still be amazing. I take care of this new person better. I am gentle with her feelings, I am accepting of her emotions, and I am compassionate to her break downs. I also celebrate her successes, her love, and her ability to conquer the worst. She has the ability to love across all dimensions in this life. She is powerful. She is unique. She deserves to be loved and praised for her accomplishments. She is me.
I will continue to learn and grow in my new self. I will also continue to grieve my old self. There is no stopping point or finish line for grief - especially the grief to this magnitude.
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